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What are inaudible dialogues?

Simply put, an inaudible dialogue is a conversation that nobody can hear, because it happens in your head. Is it still real? I think so, but if you're a stickler for reality, perhaps read My Science Game instead. I started writing inaudible dialogues as Facebook posts, years ago. Usually, something had passed between me and a cat that was so obviously a conversation that I had to share it. The fact that no words were spoken didn't matter. I am about to post an archive of all the Facebook dialogues that I saved, but most have been lost. They were always meant to be temporary, because they capture a snapshot of that moment shared between me and the cat, dog, shower curtain or whatever other creature or object was involved. However, they seem to be popular, so I will post them in this blog for others to enjoy. As unreal as inaudible dialogues seem, they capture real life. They can happen at any time, while you're doing any boring, mundane thing. To me, the dialogues wi
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The cast: animals featured in inaudible dialogues

Harry the cat: the black ninja Harry is a nine-year-old rescue mog. While at first he may appear to be a sweet, cuddly little blossom, he has the heart of a Mafia boss and the skills and finesse of a ninja. His interest in food is mainly scientific. He likes to cuddle, but strictly on his terms. Unwelcome affection towards Harry is met with sudden and painful accupuncture. Magnus the cat: devourer of worlds Magnus is a nine-year-old rescue mog. For eight of his nine lives he was a cold-blooded killer, catching all manner of creatures from mice to rabbits. However, in later years he has preferred the finer things in life. Mostly eating. But mostly sleeping. His culinary interests are diverse, including bread, chickpea juice, and cubes of raw potato. Lewis the dog: neurotic busybody Lewis is an eight-year-old rescue collie. He loves playing with other dogs, who think he is an idiot. However, while he is a clown in the dog park, he is the fun police at home. He likes t

Rejection

Rub it in, why don't you? Gmail inbox: Here is an email rejecting you for a job you applied for. Me: Good to know, thanks. Gmail: Why don't you read it? Me: I know what it says. Ok, I'll click on it. Gmail: You haven't read it yet. Me: I just read it. Gmail: Read it again! I didn't see. Me: Fine! I will click on it and wait until you say I read it. Gmail: Ok, I am satisfied that you have read your email. **Next time I check Gmail** Gmail: Hey! You never read that email that rejected you for a job you applied for. Drive-thru #2 Person at the Drive-Thru window at MacDonalds: Would your dog like a biscuit? Mort: Less talk, more biscuit insertion Me: Thank you! Michael: You can have a chip as well, Mort. Mort: OVERLOAD The next time we went to the Drive-Thru: Person at the Drive-Thru: Would your dog like a biscuit? Mort: Oh! Yes. Me: Thank you! Mort: .... Mort: ....... Mort: 😔 Me: What's wrong? Mort: Last time I got a chip as wel

The vet, the races, and the weather

Mort's fan club Every other dog I have ever taken to the vet: Me: Come on then, vet time! Dog: No no no this is awful I'm not going you'll have to drag me Vet nurses: Oh don't worry sweetie we won't hurt you Dog: *Cowers* Mort: Me: Come on then, vet time! Mort: AWESOME! Time to get my STRUT on and see my BITCHIZ Vet nurses: Oh Mort, oh Mort, you are so wonderful Mort: Ladies, please. One at a time! Fast, but thirsty Michael: I don't mind racing on the scooter with Mort pulling it Me: Awesome, maybe you'll do really well because you have a sense of balance Mort: I will find all the puddles on the trail and lie down in them and drink while I'm lying down Climate change *Every year for the last 8ish years...* Winter: I'm gonna come and make you COLD Me: Ok, I'm waiting Winter: Get your jumper on and prepare to be COLD! Me: It's the Solstice already and I'm not convinced Winter: You're gonna get properly col

Cheese, blankets, and camping

This is where cheese comes from Me: Hey Mort, look over here for a sec Mort: But everything is wonderful except you Me: Look what I found! And totally didn't place here! Mort: WHAT??!! Me: Wild cheese cubes! In the grass! Mort: HOW DID THAT GET THERE!!! HOW DID YOU FIND IT!!! Me: Heh heh heh. Oh! Look! There's another patch over here! Fancy that! Mort: WHAT SORCERY IS THIS??!! I will never be comfy again Me: I am going to take your blanket from your crate so I can wash it Mort: WTF IS THIS?! I CAN'T LIE DOWN ANY MORE Me: If you just come out, I can put a nice clean blanket in! Mort: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER Me: Ooo, there's something interesting over there! Mort: Where?! Where?! Me: *stealthy blanket switch* Mort: Oh, new blanket! Yay! Yay! This is awesome! Camping adventure Me: Hooray, camping. At least if any danger comes my way, I will have the dogs. *Later that night* Mort: I HEARD

Trying to maintain some order around here

Sharing is caring Mort: Have this Me: I don't want it Mort: HAVE IT Me: It's all damp and smelly! Mort: IT'S LOVELY HAVE IT Me: Fine! I'll take it! Mort: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT IT'S MINE! Hahahahahaha! I'm SO FUNNY! It was so funny when I did that Sometimes I wonder if we're on the same side My brain: Dogs, dogs, dogs Me: I'm trying to sleep...can you think of something else please? Brain: How about some lovely whales instead? Me: Yes! Whales. Great. Brain: Swimming around, and making noises, and...FIGHTING! SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH HAHAHA Me: Oh god Brain: Remember when there was that grey whale with her baby, and those orcas - Me: Shut up shut up shut up Brain: ...and in the end they only ate the tongue! Dog logic Me: Mort, wait in the kitchen Mort: I will wait in the kitchen Me: *Really obviously goes into the living room and intrepidly hides the Kong in a really obvious spot* Me: Find your Kong! Mort: It must be somewhere in th

What do dogs and birds eat?

Onion soup is bad for dogs, but good for humans Vet: You brought in Mortimer? Me: Yup Vet: Well he just brought up a lot of onion soup. Did you make the soup? Me: Yup Vet: It smelled REALLY good! What's your recipe? Second breakfast for Hera Hera's landlord: Here have some quail! Hera: YAY! Early dinner! Om nom nom! *Later* Hera: Ugh, too full. I can't eat all of this. I will stash it on the floor. Oh, Vikki's here! Maybe she'll feed me! Me: Hi Hera! Hera: QUICK I'M STARVING! Part-time nut cracker Mort in the back of the car: *Crunch, crunch* Me: What are you doing? Mort: Cracking walnuts with my teeth and leaving the kernels and shells all over your back seat Me: Geez! You'll choke! Stop that! *Later in the kitchen when I'm cooking with walnuts* Me: I wonder where the nut cracker is? Hmmm...hey, maybe Mort can be useful for a change! Mort, will you crack this nut for me? Mort: I've never seen a walnut before and it lo