Rejection

Rub it in, why don't you?

Gmail inbox: Here is an email rejecting you for a job you applied for.
Me: Good to know, thanks.
Gmail: Why don't you read it?
Me: I know what it says. Ok, I'll click on it.
Gmail: You haven't read it yet.
Me: I just read it.
Gmail: Read it again! I didn't see.
Me: Fine! I will click on it and wait until you say I read it.
Gmail: Ok, I am satisfied that you have read your email.

**Next time I check Gmail**
Gmail: Hey! You never read that email that rejected you for a job you applied for.

Drive-thru #2

Person at the Drive-Thru window at MacDonalds: Would your dog like a biscuit?
Mort: Less talk, more biscuit insertion
Me: Thank you!
Michael: You can have a chip as well, Mort.
Mort: OVERLOAD

The next time we went to the Drive-Thru:
Person at the Drive-Thru: Would your dog like a biscuit?
Mort: Oh! Yes.
Me: Thank you!
Mort: ....
Mort: .......
Mort: 😔
Me: What's wrong?
Mort: Last time I got a chip as well.

Starving lions in Africa

Me: Breakfast time cats! Here's your biscuits and I'll find some wet food
Magnus: OMNOMNOMNOM
Harry: Where's the rest of it?
Me: Hang on, I'm looking for the wet food
Magnus: FINISHED! Um....are you gonna eat that?
Harry: Go ahead. I can't eat this shit.

Comments

The vet, the races, and the weather

Mort's fan club Every other dog I have ever taken to the vet: Me: Come on then, vet time! Dog: No no no this is awful I'm not going you'll have to drag me Vet nurses: Oh don't worry sweetie we won't hurt you Dog: *Cowers* Mort: Me: Come on then, vet time! Mort: AWESOME! Time to get my STRUT on and see my BITCHIZ Vet nurses: Oh Mort, oh Mort, you are so wonderful Mort: Ladies, please. One at a time! Fast, but thirsty Michael: I don't mind racing on the scooter with Mort pulling it Me: Awesome, maybe you'll do really well because you have a sense of balance Mort: I will find all the puddles on the trail and lie down in them and drink while I'm lying down Climate change *Every year for the last 8ish years...* Winter: I'm gonna come and make you COLD Me: Ok, I'm waiting Winter: Get your jumper on and prepare to be COLD! Me: It's the Solstice already and I'm not convinced Winter: You're gonna get properly col

Broken legs make bored dogs

Loyalty *Six weeks ago* Me: Wanna play? Mort: Oh god yes! YEAH! I love you! *Four weeks ago* Mort: Wanna play? Me: Well, there's a limited range I can do, and I'm quite tired...but I'll give it a go. *Two weeks ago* Me: Wanna play? Mort: I guess? But you're so slow these days. *This week* Me: Wanna play? Mort: You're dead to me now. Brexit Me: What do you guys think about Brexit? Harry: Sorry, didn't hear you there over the sound of my own boredom Magnus and Mort: Breakfast? Not going out Mort: Let me out let me out LET ME OUT! Me: Michael, I think Mort wants to go out. Michael: Ok, I'll interrupt my much-needed sleep, get up, freeze half to death, stand on things and trip over things, in order to let you out, princess. Mort: I've suddenly changed my mind and HATE the idea of going out. Michael: Come on! Hurry up! It's cold! Mort: You can't make me! Me: Come on, Mort! Go outside with Michael! Mort: I'm going t

What do dogs and birds eat?

Onion soup is bad for dogs, but good for humans Vet: You brought in Mortimer? Me: Yup Vet: Well he just brought up a lot of onion soup. Did you make the soup? Me: Yup Vet: It smelled REALLY good! What's your recipe? Second breakfast for Hera Hera's landlord: Here have some quail! Hera: YAY! Early dinner! Om nom nom! *Later* Hera: Ugh, too full. I can't eat all of this. I will stash it on the floor. Oh, Vikki's here! Maybe she'll feed me! Me: Hi Hera! Hera: QUICK I'M STARVING! Part-time nut cracker Mort in the back of the car: *Crunch, crunch* Me: What are you doing? Mort: Cracking walnuts with my teeth and leaving the kernels and shells all over your back seat Me: Geez! You'll choke! Stop that! *Later in the kitchen when I'm cooking with walnuts* Me: I wonder where the nut cracker is? Hmmm...hey, maybe Mort can be useful for a change! Mort, will you crack this nut for me? Mort: I've never seen a walnut before and it lo

Inaudible dialogues

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