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The cast: animals featured in inaudible dialogues

Harry the cat: the black ninja

Harry is a nine-year-old rescue mog. While at first he may appear to be a sweet, cuddly little blossom, he has the heart of a Mafia boss and the skills and finesse of a ninja. His interest in food is mainly scientific. He likes to cuddle, but strictly on his terms. Unwelcome affection towards Harry is met with sudden and painful accupuncture.



Magnus the cat: devourer of worlds

Magnus is a nine-year-old rescue mog. For eight of his nine lives he was a cold-blooded killer, catching all manner of creatures from mice to rabbits. However, in later years he has preferred the finer things in life. Mostly eating. But mostly sleeping. His culinary interests are diverse, including bread, chickpea juice, and cubes of raw potato.




Lewis the dog: neurotic busybody

Lewis is an eight-year-old rescue collie. He loves playing with other dogs, who think he is an idiot. However, while he is a clown in the dog park, he is the fun police at home. He likes the day to start at 6.30 sharpish, and any funny business, horseplay or laughter is strongly frowned upon.


Mort the dog: teenage hipster

Mort was born in April 2018, and had a horrific start to life. Luckily, he was rescued and used to herd cattle for a bit until I picked him up at the tender age of eight months. He has the legs of a supermodel, the eyes of a romantic, and the coordination of a pantomime horse. I got him so we could do agility and canicross together (and hopefully bikejoring, later on), but his favourite thing to do is run around with other dogs. He thinks he's cool; the other dogs think he's an idiot.


Hera the falcon: single-minded murder bird

Hera was bred in captivity for education, as part of a conservation program. She is one of only a few thousand New Zealand falcons left in the world, and as her species is declining in the wild she is part of an initiative to help raise awareness and support for falcon conservation. Hera, however, is oblivious to her cause and cares only for chicken and killing things. She shows no affection or care towards me, her trainer and handler, and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She constantly screams for food, despite the fact that she gets several hours of free flight every day and is perfectly capable of feeding herself. Despite her one-track mind, she is a beautiful, perfectly proportioned creature capable of astonishing aerial feats, and I never cease to admire her.


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Inaudible dialogue archive

These are a few past posts that I have saved. Enjoy! 1st December 2018 Me: Breakfast, Harry and Magnus! Magnus: OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMFINISHED Harry: What is this? Me: It's the same as what you had yesterday, and the day before. Harry: Nathan fed me yesterday. Me: So? Harry: Nathan cuts it up for me. Me: Really?...okay. Magnus: I'll have it! Harry: SMALL pieces. 24th November 2018 Lewis: Vikki...Vikki...Vikki... Me: Whaaaaaat??!! Lewis: OMG you're awake! Let's get up! Me: Mmmmpfffff it's 6.30am Lewis: Yeah but let's get up! Me: ok FINE I'll stumble into the kitchen and make tea Lewis: Great! While you do that, I'm going back to bed. 1st November 2018 Mam and dad: We're going to the gym. Poppy: When mam and dad go to the gym, I go in my box. Me: But you don't have to tonight, because Michael and I are here! You can stay up and have fun with us! Poppy: When mam and dad go to ...

Break a leg

Crunch My leg: CRUNCHITY CRUNCH Me: OWWW!!!! Mort: Oh, you're on the floor! What fun! There's a smell over here. What are we doing next? Are you getting up? What if I climb on you? Oh I tripped over your leg! Oh whoops I did it again! Lol. Me: I thought dogs were supposed to HELP THEIR OWNERS IN DISTRESS NOX Part of my mind that is still me: What's happening? Where am I? Part of my mind that has embraced the laughing gas: Shhhhh! It's all faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaine Me: Ouch! I'm sure that hurt, it felt like it should have hurt Laughing gas me: WOW that pain was PURPLE! Me: What are they doing to me?! My leg shouldn't feel like this. Laughing gas me: Purple pain, purple pain... Loyalty Me: Mort must be pining for me while I'm in hospital. My poor boy! Mort: Internalising Leg: Sorry guys, I'm out of action, so you have to lie in a bed for a while. Ears: Ok! We will help by producing lots of extra wax Brain: Ok! I will help by playing vivid...

The vet, the races, and the weather

Mort's fan club Every other dog I have ever taken to the vet: Me: Come on then, vet time! Dog: No no no this is awful I'm not going you'll have to drag me Vet nurses: Oh don't worry sweetie we won't hurt you Dog: *Cowers* Mort: Me: Come on then, vet time! Mort: AWESOME! Time to get my STRUT on and see my BITCHIZ Vet nurses: Oh Mort, oh Mort, you are so wonderful Mort: Ladies, please. One at a time! Fast, but thirsty Michael: I don't mind racing on the scooter with Mort pulling it Me: Awesome, maybe you'll do really well because you have a sense of balance Mort: I will find all the puddles on the trail and lie down in them and drink while I'm lying down Climate change *Every year for the last 8ish years...* Winter: I'm gonna come and make you COLD Me: Ok, I'm waiting Winter: Get your jumper on and prepare to be COLD! Me: It's the Solstice already and I'm not convinced Winter: You're gonna get properly col...