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Showing posts from August, 2019

Rejection

Rub it in, why don't you? Gmail inbox: Here is an email rejecting you for a job you applied for. Me: Good to know, thanks. Gmail: Why don't you read it? Me: I know what it says. Ok, I'll click on it. Gmail: You haven't read it yet. Me: I just read it. Gmail: Read it again! I didn't see. Me: Fine! I will click on it and wait until you say I read it. Gmail: Ok, I am satisfied that you have read your email. **Next time I check Gmail** Gmail: Hey! You never read that email that rejected you for a job you applied for. Drive-thru #2 Person at the Drive-Thru window at MacDonalds: Would your dog like a biscuit? Mort: Less talk, more biscuit insertion Me: Thank you! Michael: You can have a chip as well, Mort. Mort: OVERLOAD The next time we went to the Drive-Thru: Person at the Drive-Thru: Would your dog like a biscuit? Mort: Oh! Yes. Me: Thank you! Mort: .... Mort: ....... Mort: 😔 Me: What's wrong? Mort: Last time I got a chip as wel...

The vet, the races, and the weather

Mort's fan club Every other dog I have ever taken to the vet: Me: Come on then, vet time! Dog: No no no this is awful I'm not going you'll have to drag me Vet nurses: Oh don't worry sweetie we won't hurt you Dog: *Cowers* Mort: Me: Come on then, vet time! Mort: AWESOME! Time to get my STRUT on and see my BITCHIZ Vet nurses: Oh Mort, oh Mort, you are so wonderful Mort: Ladies, please. One at a time! Fast, but thirsty Michael: I don't mind racing on the scooter with Mort pulling it Me: Awesome, maybe you'll do really well because you have a sense of balance Mort: I will find all the puddles on the trail and lie down in them and drink while I'm lying down Climate change *Every year for the last 8ish years...* Winter: I'm gonna come and make you COLD Me: Ok, I'm waiting Winter: Get your jumper on and prepare to be COLD! Me: It's the Solstice already and I'm not convinced Winter: You're gonna get properly col...

Cheese, blankets, and camping

This is where cheese comes from Me: Hey Mort, look over here for a sec Mort: But everything is wonderful except you Me: Look what I found! And totally didn't place here! Mort: WHAT??!! Me: Wild cheese cubes! In the grass! Mort: HOW DID THAT GET THERE!!! HOW DID YOU FIND IT!!! Me: Heh heh heh. Oh! Look! There's another patch over here! Fancy that! Mort: WHAT SORCERY IS THIS??!! I will never be comfy again Me: I am going to take your blanket from your crate so I can wash it Mort: WTF IS THIS?! I CAN'T LIE DOWN ANY MORE Me: If you just come out, I can put a nice clean blanket in! Mort: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER Me: Ooo, there's something interesting over there! Mort: Where?! Where?! Me: *stealthy blanket switch* Mort: Oh, new blanket! Yay! Yay! This is awesome! Camping adventure Me: Hooray, camping. At least if any danger comes my way, I will have the dogs. *Later that night* Mort: I HEARD...

Trying to maintain some order around here

Sharing is caring Mort: Have this Me: I don't want it Mort: HAVE IT Me: It's all damp and smelly! Mort: IT'S LOVELY HAVE IT Me: Fine! I'll take it! Mort: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT IT'S MINE! Hahahahahaha! I'm SO FUNNY! It was so funny when I did that Sometimes I wonder if we're on the same side My brain: Dogs, dogs, dogs Me: I'm trying to sleep...can you think of something else please? Brain: How about some lovely whales instead? Me: Yes! Whales. Great. Brain: Swimming around, and making noises, and...FIGHTING! SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH HAHAHA Me: Oh god Brain: Remember when there was that grey whale with her baby, and those orcas - Me: Shut up shut up shut up Brain: ...and in the end they only ate the tongue! Dog logic Me: Mort, wait in the kitchen Mort: I will wait in the kitchen Me: *Really obviously goes into the living room and intrepidly hides the Kong in a really obvious spot* Me: Find your Kong! Mort: It must be somewhere in th...

What do dogs and birds eat?

Onion soup is bad for dogs, but good for humans Vet: You brought in Mortimer? Me: Yup Vet: Well he just brought up a lot of onion soup. Did you make the soup? Me: Yup Vet: It smelled REALLY good! What's your recipe? Second breakfast for Hera Hera's landlord: Here have some quail! Hera: YAY! Early dinner! Om nom nom! *Later* Hera: Ugh, too full. I can't eat all of this. I will stash it on the floor. Oh, Vikki's here! Maybe she'll feed me! Me: Hi Hera! Hera: QUICK I'M STARVING! Part-time nut cracker Mort in the back of the car: *Crunch, crunch* Me: What are you doing? Mort: Cracking walnuts with my teeth and leaving the kernels and shells all over your back seat Me: Geez! You'll choke! Stop that! *Later in the kitchen when I'm cooking with walnuts* Me: I wonder where the nut cracker is? Hmmm...hey, maybe Mort can be useful for a change! Mort, will you crack this nut for me? Mort: I've never seen a walnut before and it lo...

Mort and maturity

When do they grow up? *Conversation at dog training class* Woman with puppy: How old is your dog? Me: One year. Woman: Oh, so he's nice and mature then...and calm. Me: Ummmm... Mort: I think...I think...there is a LEAF OVER THERE Me: Maybe? Mort: I THINK THE LEAF IS MOVING Swagger Me: I'm worried about Mort's hips, because of the way he walks. Vet: I think he just walks like that because his nuts are so big.

Young, energetic dogs suffer such hardship.

Enrichment = mess Me: Here is a bottle filled with your breakfast. Mort: Awesome! I can rattle it around and get all the food out! Me: Yeah, that's the idea! And then you eat the food! Mort: Nope, I'll just leave it on the floor. But this is fun! Dog walker *Knock knock* Mort: MY WALKER IS HERE Me: I know, I'll just get your stuff. Mort: HURRY THE HECK UP Dog walker: Hello Vikki! How are- Mort: LET'S GO NOW Dog walker: Oh! Hello Mort. Mort: NOT INTERESTED LET'S GO Dog walker: How are you? Me: Great thanks! How are you? Mort: COME THE HECK ON I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE Expectations were not met Me: Breakfast, Mort! Mort: Yay! Hey....what's this rubbish? Me: Your food. Dog food. Mort: Yesterday you gave me chicken. Daylight savings Mort: It's 8am! You're not up! Are you dead?! Me: It's 7am actually...daylight savings, Mort! Mort: But I'm awaaaaake Me: Go back to sleep! Mort: I'll get on the bed...